Tuesday, 17 November 2015

University Woes

I imagine that many of you have been or will be in my situation - applying to university.

I have dreamed of going to university since I was very young (Probably around 8) and for an 8 year old that seems like an extreme dream. Now it's finally here, I'm finally in the process of applying, I'm absolutely terrified. Last night I sent off my application. I've chosen my five universities, I've written a pretty mediocre personal statement that unfortunately doesn't tell my chosen universities that I can sit and spoon a jar of peanut butter in one sitting or that I can successfully rap Super Bass by Nicki Minaj. What it does tell them however is I'm enthusiastic about books and reading, I mean when am I not reading a book? and I write, I write a lot. 

All I have ever wanted is to make a difference on someone's life through my writing, I can't even begin to explain how I feel when someone reads my work and has the most loveliest compliments (I'm open to criticism too, that's how writing works) It means the most to me when someone likes my words. Written word is the only way I can convey any meaning. I don't know how to talk properly about issues that matter however writing makes it possible. At the minute I'm going to label myself as a writing wizard, I'm writing a story and I've fallen in love with the male character I created (Ugh. Writer's problems. This guy doesn't exist, only in my imagination, he has a nice face though? He likes books? and cake?) I can't stop writing. It's a rewarding feeling to write, to sit and write for hours and lose track of time. It's comforting and it takes me away from my hectic life just for a little while. It's even more rewarding for me because the writer's block has been real recently but my head has been swimming with ideas for my plot and new characters. I. Just. Love. Writing. 

This blog made an entrance into my personal statement and I'm aware anyone can read this but knowing specifically the people who are deciding my life for the next 3/4 years are reading is daunting. Maybe now is a good time to censor my blog and make sure there's nothing dodgy...

I'm an anxious person. After sending my application form, I cried. I sat in front of my laptop and cried. I'm not sure whether it was relief because for the last 6 months I've been going to open days, re-searching universities and trying to muster a list of things I'm reasonably good at or whether I'm scared. I'm going for the latter. I worry about portraying myself as arrogant but I know I'm intelligent (In English that is, I know nothing about general knowledge except turtles don't have teeth). I work hard and never give myself credit for it. 

It's taken a lot of time to get where I am now. I'm worried that my efforts won't be worth it, I'm worried that I won't get any offers or I won't even like the concept of university. This is the typical "I'm applying to university based anxiety"

Everything I've typed already is negative, basically me in a nutshell (Oh look, she's still going) but I am excited for university. I am excited to learn. Education is important to me because I love learning - give me all the knowledge about words, books and authors!!! Please!!! I once told somebody that I'm not going to university for the experience, I'm going to learn and their response was "I've never heard anyone say that before" I think that says a lot about me as a person.

I want to move out of my town, I want to meet new people, I want to live independently and I want to poorly manage my money. My chosen universities are no where near home but I'm ready for it. I'm nearly 20 years old, I'm no longer 15 and relying on my mum for everything. I like to pretend I'm ready to become a FULL TIME ADULT. In reality I sometimes manage to burn porridge, I've only just learned how to use a washing machine without mixing the colours of all my clothes and I can't make beds so this time next year when I'm at university be ready for various complaints that I'm sleeping with no bed sheets or no cover on my duvet, I'm serious... I'm awful. 

The stress that has come with my uni application is enough to make me never get out of bed again. Deep down I know it'll be worth the crying, the essays and the caffeine induced nights but right now, I'm unsure. I'm unsure if I even want to go. Has society just drilled into my brain that I must go to university? That I must get a degree to get a job? That I must be in painful debt? 

The government is to blame.