Tuesday, 12 January 2016

A Little Something Different


I have decided to use this blog for the greater good and document my experiences through mental illness, I think it could help both you and me. I find the only way I can talk about problems is by writing, I struggle to talk to anybody directly whether that be face to face or over a messaging system I can't do it whereas if I write about my feelings indirectly I feel more comfortable.

Rewind to 11 days before Christmas I had plucked up the courage to finally sort my head out, I booked a doctors appointment and spent the weeks leading up to it in a state of constant nervousness and panic. I was scared my doctor wouldn't believe how I was feeling, that I was making it all up and it was me over-reacting. I was wrong. I sat in the waiting room of the surgery feeling sick, anxious and riddled with panic. Somehow I managed to stutter out how I was feeling. I was displaying all the common signs of depression and anxiety. I told my doctor about feeling complete numb to everything, having no interest in the things I enjoy, sleeping too much and eating too much. (There's loads more like the concept of time, time either goes too fast and I have no recollection of what I have done in the last day or in the last 10 seconds in fact, or time goes really slow. Everything just feels a little hazy like I'm not myself. I haven't felt like myself in about 3 or 4 months. I have been floating through my days feeling unlike me, like I'm watching myself from outside my body. Weird.)

After confirming my diagnosis I left my GP  practitioner in tears and found myself crying too. It all got a bit emosh and weird and WEIRD. She referred me to a well-being team whom I have been in contact with the last few weeks. I have my first session of CBT scheduled in about a week. For those who don't know CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy focusing on the future, changing the way you think negatively about things in your life. I will admit I am terrified, like crapping my pants terrified. I have no idea what to expect as I've never experienced anything like this before. I have been speaking to the therapist that I'll be having CBT sessions with over the phone, it's strange because I've only heard his voice. I know it doesn't matter but I need a face to the name because it just feels so weird.

I have refrained from googling too much because I fear I'll put myself off it however I've read a couple of blog posts about other people's experiences and it has relaxed me a little. I know that in the long run this will all be very useful, finally talking to somebody about everything I'm feeling and how to combat all the negativity I put on myself but right now, I'm scared. Scared to talk, scared to even get myself to the building and scared to meet somebody new who I have already told so much to over the phone.

Scared about absolutely everything in my life.

Moving on, I have been feeling slightly relieved since talking to somebody however I went back to the doctors this week. My doctor re-did the quiz we originally did the first time we met and I'm still ranking high on the scale. As I expected. Mentally and physically I'm not feeling any better, I don't feel like me. I think I feel worse. She brought up anti-depressants. Controversial topic aye. Lots of opinions on the pros and cons of different pills. I am scared. Again. How many times have I said that? To be honest, every thought of mine at the minute is I AM SCARED. So, she suggested Fluoxetine (Prozac). I have never experienced medication like this. I'm open to trying it, if it makes me feel better then I'm all for it. I'm not entirely sure how to feel or if I'm actually feeling anything but I agreed to her suggestion and picked up the prescription from the chemist. I begin taking them in the morning. I am both SCARED and excited. Excited in a funny kind of way, in a way that I hope and cannot wait to feel like the Brianna I used to be (I'm not sure who she even is).

This post is as the title explains, a little something different but I find the blogging community to be one of positivity and happiness and rainbows and unicorns. I'm rambling. I applaud you if you have sat and read all this, I also love you if you have. This is a very strange time in my life and to document it on the interwebs is even stranger. Anyway, soz for this. It feels good to write about it though.